Thursday, February 28, 2013

Reformed (and not so Reformed) Opinions on Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

I didn't write this, but I found it on facebook and it made me laugh so I thought I'd share. :) 

Reformed (and not so Reformed) opinions on why the chicken crossed the road:

John Piper: God decreed the event to maximize his glory.

Gary Demar: The chicken was fleeing the destruction of Jerusalem in AD 70. That’s it.

Martin Luther: The chicken was leaving Rome.

Al Mohler: When a chicken begins to think theologically, he has no other alternative but to come over to the Calvinist side.

Mark Driscoll: A “bleeping” chicken crossed the road to go get a beer.

Thomas: I won’t believe the chicken crossed unless I see it with my own eyes.

Philip: The chicken teleported to the other side.

Peter: What chicken? What road? Never knew a chicken!! (rooster crows)

Ezekiel: God revived those chicken bones and then they crossed the road.

John: This is the message we have received concerning the chicken: he has crossed the road and there is no darkness in him

Paul: The chicken went to sleep and fell out the window only to be able to cross the road

Jacob Arminius: “God looked through the portals of time and saw the chicken on the one side of the road and knew he desired to cross, so he will cross, as long as he doesn’t lose his way.”

C.S. Lewis: If a chicken finds itself with a desire that nothing on this side can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that it was created for the other side.

Pelagius: Because the chicken was able to.

Rick Warren: The chicken was purpose driven.

Darth Vader : Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.

Pluralist: The chicken took one of many equally valid roads.

Jim Morrison: To break on through to the other side!

Liberation Theologian: Because poor people were on the other side

Universalist: All chickens cross the road.

Annihilationist: The chicken was hit by a car and ceased to exist.

Fred Phelps: God hates chickens.

Stevie Wonder: To reach the highest ground.

Tim LaHaye: The chicken didn’t want to be left behind.

Rob Bell: The chicken. Crossed the road. To get. Cool glasses.

Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Joel Osteen: The chicken crossed the road to maximize his personal fulfillment so that he could be all that God created him to be.

Creflo Dollar: God told the chicken that if he clucked, “That land across the road is mine!,” he could claim it. He crossed the road to take possession.

Sadducee: There is no other side

Charismatic: It felt Good

Hippie: It was far out

The Beatles: We’re bigger than the Chicken.

TD Jakes: A manifestation of the Chicken crossed the road for his blessings.

Emergent: For this chicken, its not the destination that’s important. Its the journey itself.

C Peter Wagner and the New Apostles:  We are the road

Todd Bentley: The chicken was in the front pew just worshiping, and the angel said, kick it in the face. So I did and it..I swear this is true, it fell under the anointing and levitated to the other side.

Fundamentalist: In the King James Bible, it says “the Chicken that pisseth against the wall crossed the road.” All those other per-versions like your sissy NIV say “the chicken crossed the road.” So, everyone who doesn’t read the KJV is going to hell……….

Democrat: It’s Bush’s fault and you’re a racist

Al Gore: I invented the chicken

Dick Cheney: It was scared I would shoot it in the face.

Rush Limbaugh: Another Rush Limbaugh see I told you so.

Libertarian: The Chicken crossed voluntarily. The state only has moral justification to intervene if the chicken is violating the non-aggression principle.   

Adam Smith: The invisible hand of the market

Mark Twain : The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Douglas Adams: 42.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle. It was a historical inevitability.

Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road because of its own rational choice to do so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each individual.

Ludwig Von Mises: The chicken judged, according to his own internal value system that crossing the road possessed a higher value to him than all of the other alternatives.

Peter Waldo: To escape persecution.

Origen: Because there were temptations to sin on this side.

Cornelius Van Til: Although the chicken claims to be unbiased, it cannot make sense of its decision unless the other side of the road is actually better based on an external, universal standard of value, and so its crossing of the road reveals that it knows there is a God but suppresses the knowledge.

Anselm: It crossed in faith so that it might understand why it had crossed.

Jonathan Edwards: Its decision to cross was a result of all the influences that make the chicken who it is.

N. T. Wright: You've misunderstood the meaning of the cross.

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2 comments:

  1. That is HILARIOUS! :) I think the Rick Warren one is my favorite. Thanks for sharing. I needed a good laugh.

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